shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
