dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
