My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
