im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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