I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
