So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
