I CAN MOONWALK!
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
