You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
