I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
