We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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