I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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