So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
It was a blind-side dick pic.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
