so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
