FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
