id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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