I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
