Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
