Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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