She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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