at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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