Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
