I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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