I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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