shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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