Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
