got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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