Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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