i love accidental penises.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
