Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
it glows. i had to have it.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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