Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
