Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Found the puke drawer
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
