she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
