It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
