If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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