I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i would one night stand the shit outta him
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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