It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Randomize
