Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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