You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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