Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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