dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
