I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
