Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
there is puke in my bra ... again
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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