i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
