you mean i was at the winter classic?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
