I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
