Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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