you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
