Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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