i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
