Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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