I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Randomize
